books

two of them in progress.

the memoir

I became a mother at sixteen. I grew up with an absent father, an abusive stepfather, and a mother who dealt with depression, addiction, & low self-worth. I spent most of my twenties married to a man who reflected every shadow I had back at me until I finally left.

then I did the work. years of it. I'm still in it.

spoiler alert: I never reached nirvana.

this book is about that. not the arc where the woman suffers and then transcends and then tells you how. there's no ten step process at the end. there's a framework, because I've made one, and it's four words: acknowledge, accept, understand, release. that's it. you look at what happened. you accept your part in it. you figure out why it's there. you use it up and let it go, or it runs you.

I'm writing it through my own life because it's the only life I have the authority to write. racial identity. the house I grew up in. the marriage. abandoning my religion and finding something stranger that suits me. adjusting to & creating a relationship that's actually healthy. a million children later. the rebuilding of me.

it is not a self help book. it will not fix you.

status: in pieces. some of them are good. I write toward it in liminal, in public on Medium, out loud, and one day the pieces will be a shape.

the mental projector book

I'm a 1/3 mental projector. head and ajna defined. nothing else.

there are books about projectors. there are none about us. and we are not the same.

I have a mind that never stops and a body that tells me nothing. everything below my head is undefined, which means I take in everything — every mood in the house, every person's urgency, five children's worth of amplified everything, all day. none of it is mine and I can't feel where I end.

the only way I find out what's true is by talking it through with the right person in the right room. put me in the wrong environment and I'll make a decision that isn't mine and not notice for a year.

when I found human design, it explained things I'd spent nearly thirty years trying to figure out. why pushing never worked. why I burn out on other people's rhythms. that the thing I'm designed for is seeing — which is almost useless in a world that only pays for doing. and one it explained but didn't solve, is that I have answers for everyone but myself.

every book about projectors is written from the outside. by generators, mostly. no offense to my generator fam, but y'all have no idea what you're talking about.

for mental projectors specifically, there's nothing at all. we're 1–2% of the population, and Ra called projectors a rocket — with MPs at the tip. the leading edge. and not one book written from in here.

that's why this book is being written. MP life from the inside.

status: earlier than the memoir. notes, and a lot of years of experimenting on myself.

both of these are being written steadily, mostly in public, in Liminal and Align by Design.